| 012 one brother for sale |
[07 Jul 2009|11:52pm] |
I've been smoking hand-rolled cigarettes for the last two weeks because it's the only way I can keep my brother from stealing my smokes. Of course, I now sound like Liza Minelli. I really need to find him something to do. The bastard is used to having a wife clean up after him. It's scary to think I'm the clean one between us.
I spent my Canada Day sleeping. I slept well past noon and then I went to Paddington's. Basically, it was like every other Wednesday. My brother burned some hotdogs on Saturday in some half-assed attempt to celebrate the 4th of July. It took a lot of beer to choke them down. I still find it pretty damn funny that he was celebrating the fourth in Canada. I never claimed that my little brothers were intelligent.
A stray cat has decided to shack up with us. I don't know where he came from, but he looks like he's been through hell. He only has half a tail and a bald spot on top of his head. I haven't come up with a name for him yet, but I need to get him neutered. I wonder if I could get my brother neutered, too.
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| 011 sometimes family is a pain in the.. |
[22 Jun 2009|12:35am] |
My brother is in town and I'm reminded why I moved away from home when I did. I'm also reminded why Canada was so appealing. Anyway, I'm ready for him to leave. He's only been here four days.
What is everyone else up to? I hope someone has taken it upon themselves to harass any and all tourists. Usually I'm not one for practical jokes, but tis the season for annoying outsiders. If you were to torment the tourists, how would you go about doing it?
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| 010 I am in a very lovely mood, thank you very much. |
[03 Jun 2009|12:46am] |
Tomorrow marks the opening night of Damn Yankees. I, for one, am very excited to see it. I'm sure Oliver did a fantastic job with everything. That doesn't mean I'm not going to be piss drunk during the musical. I hate musicals. Especially high school musicals. I hope everyone comes to see it. If nothing else, we need the money. So if you don't care about seeing the musical, just buy a ticket and donate it to the church. I'm sure they can find someone to make good use of it. I am a genius in my own mind.
Why am I watching Prince Caspian? Would someone please like to explain this to me? This kid needs a haircut and a few more riding lessons. The only redeeming characters in this movie are the midget with the beard and the mouse.
My brother is coming up this weekend. The one getting divorced. He's going to stay with me for a while. I don't know how long 'a while' is. I'm guessing 8-12 months. Just long enough for one of us to commit manslaughter.
It's June. When the hell did that happen?
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| 009 I'd share lyrics from the song I'm listening to, but they're inappropriate |
[13 May 2009|11:46pm] |
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music |
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voodoo lady - live |
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I love iced coffee. And strippers. Christ, do I love strippers. Miss Kandi Kane gave me her number. I felt so special. I think I'm obligated to go back this weekend. I know that's a pretty girly drink, but have you tried one? They're really good with a little kahlua thrown in.
I realized the other day that I've been living here for nearly twenty years. That seems like nothing to those of you who have been here since birth. For me, it's a big deal. I've lived here longer than anywhere else. It's just a strange thought. I'd get deep and philosophical on you, but it'd ruin my reputation.
This entry is pretty boring. I need to get to bed soon, so I can do important things tomorrow. Like browse the internet. I need to update my MySpace profile. Who's going to Paddy's on Friday night? I'm buying the first pitcher for anyone who cares to join me.
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| 008 insert witty quote here |
[01 May 2009|01:07am] |
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mood |
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 terribly distraught |
] |
I'm tired, ladies and gentlemen. There's a certain neighbor of mine who has a dog that has been whimpering and howling for the last three nights. I don't know what's wrong with the dog, but it's woken me out of a dead sleep every night. If something isn't done soon, I may have to pick someone at random and sleep on their couch for a while. And when I say 'pick someone at random', I mean Oliver Wilson. That should be nice and awkward for us all.
In other news, my purple satin boxers have gone missing. I think someone broke into my home and stole them. I'm terribly distraught.
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| 007 can't we all just get along? |
[08 Apr 2009|02:14pm] |
I won't bitch complain about our tourists like everyone else. I find them entertaining. They're better than bear sightings and power/water outtages. I dare you to disagree. I would rather deal with obnoxious strangers. Except, they were occupying my favorite stool at the bar. I can't say I appreciated that.
Friends, neighbors, I come to you with a very serious problem. I'm boring. Please fix this for me, or give me sweets. I like sweets. Especially cookies. And sex.
Oliver is making a mess of our spring musical and it's making me cranky.
Now, I have to go suspend someone for no reason.
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| 006 I follow all the latest trends. Someday I'll link you to my Twitter. |
[20 Mar 2009|01:55am] |
( twenty-five boring facts about moi )
In my last glorious update, I forgot to mention that I turned 44 on the 5th. I didn't mention it because I was drunk and forgot like always was too busy angsting over my brother's impending divorce. I was emotionally distraught. I can't be blamed. Does anyone want to offer me a belated birthday blowjob drink? You know you do. We can make it a First Day of Spring drink. You can even make it girly for laughs.
I think I caught some sort of stomach flu. I feel awful. Pity me, please. I feel like I'm shitting razor blades. THAT IS NOT NORMAL.
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| 005 constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. |
[07 Mar 2009|02:37pm] |
There are some words of wisdom from the late, great Jerry Garcia. Every time I see or hear his name, I automatically think of ice cream. Damn you Ben & Jerry. Damn you. I'm hungover and up before noon. I'm obviously a fucking idiot. I need more aspirin. And maybe a beer. Yeah, a beer would be good. Damn it, I need to stop drinking on Fridays. I used my sexy icon for all the ladies out there on the internet. You don't have to thank me. Your pleasure is thanks enough. I need a vacation. I wonder if I just didn't show up to work on Monday if anyone would notice. I'd love to be in Hawaii or somewhere in South America right now.
One of my brothers is getting a divorce. I can't say that I blame him. His wife has always been a henious bitch pretty intolerable. At least they didn't have any kids. She didn't want to ruin her figure. She has a fat ass. I think pregnancy would only improve her body, even if it'd probably make her a bigger bitch. It would probably be tougher if they had kids.
Anyway, who's up to grabbing a few pints over at Paddington's tonight? My treat.
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| 004 I'm going to cut your heart out with a spoon. |
[11 Feb 2009|11:59am] |
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One of the best Alan Rickman quotes ever spoken. Speaking of carving out internal organs, Valentine's Day is in a mere three days. Who would like to be my valentine? I promise witty conversation and all the half-eaten chocolates I don't like.
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| 003 Benjamin Ricchetti? Moisturize. |
[26 Jan 2009|07:06am] |
I would like to take this time to speak to my fellow men. Gentlemen, winter is an unforgiving bitch mistress. Did you know that wind and exposure to the cold can age you just as fast as sun exposure can? I'm sure you rugged outdoorsmen knew that. The rest of you, I have one word for you: moisturize.
Mrs. Klein, my assistant (I'm not allowed to use the word 'secretary' anymore since feminism is still alive and well), was gracious enough to bestow upon me a 414ml (14oz) bottle of Johnson's Softlotion 24 Hour Moisturizer. I have to admit, after using it once a day for a whole week, as it says on the bottle it 'leaves skin feeling baby soft & smooth all day'. I think it has to do with the 'long-lasting emollients'. I asked one of the chemistry teachers to explain to me what emollients were, but I was quickly confused.
The point I'm trying to make and am failing miserably at is this. Moisturize your skin, men. Even if you're slapping motor oil on yourself before you roll around in the dirt with your guns.
Do I sound like a woman yet? Good. That was the point. Now I need to go rub some dirt in my hair.
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| 002 I hope you're wearing socks with those Birkenstocks. |
[11 Jan 2009|12:33pm] |
I've been hungover for twenty-four hours. Or I'm still drukn. I can't tell. I watched this weird fucking movie earlier called Puffball. I'm still trying to figure out the point of the damn thing.
School tomorrow. Who's excited? Anyone who actually answers 'me' to that question is a fucking idiot.
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| 001 if I could say 'happy new year' in any other language I would. but I can't. so I'm not. |
[05 Jan 2009|04:22am] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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It's that time of year again, folks. You know what I mean. Christmas is over. The new year is upon us and now you get to send your hellions darling children back to school for most of the day while you slave away at a job you're not getting paid enough to do, so you can buy them clothes and food and keep a roof over their heads which they'll be ungrateful for anyway, before you send them off to some mediocre university which they'll drop out of after three semesters of majoring in ceramics, announcing in front of the entire extended family over winter break that they're a vegan bisexual and that they'll be spending the next year and a half volunteering with Greenpeace. But I digress. where they will undoubtedly learn many new and wonderous things that they can then share with you around the dinner table. Can you feel the excitement in the air? I certainly can! I've missed all of the students and faculty. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday. I spent mine shitfaced in a titty bar in Vegas. But you don't need to know that. One last thing before I go...
Happy 2009, neighbors. I need a damn drink.
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